The life I live shall dictate my death...Fate has nothing to do with it. - TMI

That when I most need advice, no one cares to listen.
And yet, they expect me to listen to their every little problem.
And I always do.
Does that make me weak?
Stupid?
Or am I just too nice?
I can't say I'm too nice, I can be blunty, BRUTALLY, honest at times.
But I still hate disappointing people.
But, I should be used to that by now, eh?
Guess not.
I think I just need someone to talk to. A friend.
I have a great boyfriend, but some things no guy will ever understand.
And I need a girl's opinion.
But I've never gotten along well with other woman. Very few, anyways.
I guess I'm just feeling lonely. Which I should be used to.
I haven't had any REAL friends for years, when I lost contact with everyone.
I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
And that is unacceptable.
Back into the battle I go.
Just, sometimes it feels like it's me against the world.
And I grow weary of the fight.
I think it's time for me to lay down my arms, and give up.
But I refuse to admit defeat so easily.
I will succeed, if only for spite.
So, you know what?
Fuck you all.

(Not to anyone in particular. Just ranting, I guess.)

Like, badly. And no, I'm not gay. I'm bi. And yes, I know many of you probably don't believe there is such a thing as being bisexual, but I assure you, there is. Believe me, I'm just as attracted to woman as I am to men. Though most women I can't stand, I admit. They're annoying. So I've only dated one, but I've been with two others. Most girls are just too...annoying, to date long term. To me, anyways. But, unlike most men, I don't lead them on with visions of grandeur and a happy relationship. So, right now, I just want a girl. I have a man that takes care of the emotional aspects of me, and the sexual, but there's just something about being with another woman, that no man can really accomplish. The soft, suppleness of a woman is just, unbeatable. And a great contrast to the hard, machoness of being with a man. So, I was just remembering a time when I kissed my ex-gf at the mall, and now I just, really want to kiss a girl. Maybe more, I'm not sure. But for that to happen, I actually have to be attracted to her, body, and, most importantly, mind.

And I also kind of want to have a threesome with another girl and my boyfriend. But I'm also very nervous about trying that, because I'm VERY insecure. I've been hurt. A lot, and very badly. But I'm not going to get into that. Old news. But, the end result is that I'm VERY, VERY insecure about myself, and my ability to keep whomever I'm with happy. So I don't know how I'm going to react to the man I love being with another woman. Even though he said he won't actually have sex with any other girl, unless I tell him to. There's still oral and stuff. And I don't know how my fragile self-conscious is going to deal with that. But, I want to try, at least. I'd just really appreciate someone else's opinion on this. I'm generally not a jealous person. But sometimes he can bring out the worse in me, as I've noticed in the past. We've had a few rough patches, mostly due to our pretty large age difference. But we've gotten over them, and are still working out a few other things. So, I think I could do this. I hope I can. Because it's something we both really want. We've spoken about it many, many times. But, another problem we're having is finding a girl we both agree on, who's willing to participate.

But, the bottom line is, I want a girl. He said he doesn't have to be a part of it, just wants to know before hand, and maybe watch. (LOL. Typical guy, I know. But I love him.) So...what to do from there, I have no idea. Because I just moved here, and I know pretty much no one. So I think I'm about screwed for awhile, until I can get out into the social scene. But, wish me luck, nonetheless!

-Julz

So, the boyfriend decided he wanted to go on a bike ride to Canarsie Pier with me and his cousin, Erick. And man, do I WISH we had brought a camera. Because smart ass Erick decides he wants to try to ride his bike down a couple of stairs. And now, mind you, we both warned him. Multiple times. That this was a bad idea. Does he listen? Noooo, of course not. So, He goes up by the bathrooms, rides around a little bit until he finds the steps he feels most comfortable going down. As you can probably guess already, he didn't quite make it. This dumbass goes down the stairs, but forgets to put his weight on the back, so ends up damn near flipping over the handle bars and doing a freakin' face plant. He's lucky his arm caught his fall, or his face would be FUCKED up. Now, Shey missed the whole thing cause he was turning around when Erick wiped out. I was luckily enough to see it, and it was fucking HILARIOUS. His glasses went flying and the damn bike almost landed on top of him. Luckily, though, the bike was unharmed. And Erick walked away with a busted up elbow and some scrapes. We're just hoping he didn't fracture it. He wants to wait until tomorrow, see how it is, before going to the hospital or anything.

Again, I wish I had a camera. If anyone watches stupid shit on Youtube, and you've seen those videos from failblog.org, then this would have been PERFECT for that. We were all crackin' up. Even the guys that were crab fishing stopped, stared, and laughed. Lmao. But, I do feel bad, cause he is kind of hurt. But he laughed too, and it's payback for when he laughed at me when I got fucked up at the park a month back. lmao.

Anywho, you probably would've had to be there to know just how funny this was, so I might as well shut up.

I would write some more, because I do have some ideas. But I'm out of shape, so that bike ride tired me out. Back to reading, for me. XD

-Julz

So, is it just me, or are people naturally fucking stupid? I mean, seriously, if you're going to go to the effort of adding me online, then why not take the time to answer a message or IM I send you? If you're just adding me to say "Oh, yea. I'm still friends with her. She's on my Facebook." and yet, not talk to me. Then don't bother. Even if we WERE best friends for 9 years. You added me, I made the effort to talk, and you just ignored me. Isn't that a complete contradiction of your initial action? If you don't intend to speak to me at least on a SEMI-regular basis, then don't bother adding me. Because I will delete you, and I won't re-add you, no matter how many times you request me. I don't do the whole "add everyone you may know" thing most people do these days. I used to, and the spam just annoyed me. So, unless you're planning on reconciling our friendship, leave me the fuck alone. There's a reason you're in my past, whether it was my doing or not. Let's not change that, k?

Now, since I'm on the subject of past friendships. Yes, I do miss a lot of my old friends. Especially my best friend of 9 years. But again, she won't make the effort, then why should I? I obviously wasn't worth trying to keep in contact with when I moved, so why should I even try? Even though that fact does hurt, that I wasn't worth my old friends' time when I moved. I believe most shit happens for a reason, so I refuse to dwell on it, and instead choose to make the most out of what I have. Which, albeit, right now? Isn't much. At all. But, I do have a man that I'm in love with. Even if we have hit a few rocky patches, as I said before, everything happens for a reason. I'm here now, for a reason. Hundreds of miles away from home, family (even if the majority of them can rot and die, for all I care), and the few friends I had. I'm here because I chose to be. Because I NEED to be here. I needed to get away from their influence, so I could build MY life. I needed to be somewhere the complete opposite of where I was. What better place to counter the country, then big ol' NYC? So, why do I regret how I handled my past? I don't regret leaving. I simply regret how few people there are back home that truly miss me.

I never knew how lucky I was to have all the friends I had. And I pushed most of them away, yes. But not very hard, not very hard at all. If they truly cared, wouldn't they have pushed back? And wouldn't they then have grabbed the branch I was holding out to them?

I guess, in all this ranting, I learned something new. No one is forever. No matter what they say.